When we were very young, my little sister and I would drop off our “babies” at “daycare” with my mom. Then we’d go to our women’s lib meetings, where we marched around the living room, raising fists and chanting, “Women’s… women’s… womennnnn’s… WOMEN’S LIB!” There we were—two little Jewish girls holding a fascist rally for feminism—while our mom sat in the other room with our dolls, laughing her ass off.
Happy Mother’s Day, Mom! Thanks for making me into the weirdo I am today.
(NSFW) I recently read this article by Ben Reininga called “36 Terrible Sex Tips for Men.” It was both hilarious and alarming. As I waded through such gems as “According to new research, the smell of toast is a serious mood booster.” and “Ask her to get a Brazilian. But it’s for her own good!” I realized I had more to add to the article. Here’s just a taste…
5. “Your post-run sweat has androstadienone… that spikes her arousal when she smells it.” Dude, I don’t care if you sweat doughnuts and sunshine; unless you’re Brad fucking Pitt, do not come near me with that stank on.
6. “If you’re out in public but want to make your intentions clear, slowly and firmly flick your tongue against the palm of her hand…” Let me be clear here. If you flick your tongue in my general direction, I will knee you in the groin and call my dad.
7. “Her Feet Give Her Away: if she moves her feet away from her body, adopting a more open-legged stance, you’re golden. But if she crosses her legs or tucks them under her body, you may as well ask for the check and call it a night before dessert. If I cross my legs it means one of two things: (1) I have to pee, or (2) I don’t want you to see my Spanx. If I open my legs it means I’m airing myself out, so stand back.
9. “According to new research, the smell of toast is a serious mood booster.” This is actually true. I mean, who doesn’t get turned on by a nice egg salad on rye? Am I right, ladies??
12. Cook some asparagus, since “it’s packed with zinc, a key mineral needed for maintaining erections.” And I’ll bet she won’t even notice that pesky post-asparagus urine smell. Says the man standing alone in the produce aisle with an erection.
15. “The testicles of mice fed a yogurt diet were 5 percent bigger than those on a regular diet – and 15 percent bigger than mice fed a “junk food diet,” according to a new study out of MIT.” Because nothing says “I want you in my pants” like a big-balled rodent with a dairy fetish.
19. Hire a private violinist to follow you and your woman around on the street. Yes! And while you’re at it, why not invite a mime over to your place afterward for a game of charades?
23. “Try facial intercourse. This smooch mimics sex from foreplay to penetration, beginning with a tongue exploration inside the mouth. Rub your tongues together in small and large circles, then dart them in and out of your mouths as if you were having intercourse.” Unless you want to give your date post traumatic stress disorder from the 8th grade dance, do NOT do this. Ever.
24. “Women need to warm up their feet and feel comfortable before they’re in the mood for sex, a 2003 European study found.” To warm up her trotters, you could ask her to “stretch one leg out to work on [your] johnson with her toes.” Or… give her some socks and a back rub, you selfish prick.
25. “Adding a touch of danger to the day will stimulate dopamine in her brain, triggering her sex drive.” So head on down to the I-35 underpass with a water gun in your pocket and several $100 bills taped to your back. YOU WILL TOTALLY GET LAID.
25. “…When it comes to cunnilingus, be like Ali… Hit her with a series of fast vertical and diagonal tongue strokes on her clitoris. Then… Return to slow, easy strokes… Repeat until she’s out cold.” Sir, I am not a blackjack table. Hit me with anything down there, and you will be out cold. Capiche?
26. “[H]ave her kneel on the edge of the bed with her upper chest touching the mattress. This elongates the vaginal barrel, making it feel tighter… she’ll enjoy the nipple stimulation from rubbing the mattress.” Or… She will get up in the morning, slap some Vaseline on those nipples; then go have breakfast with her best friend, where she will describe in amazing detail the freak-o with the elongated vaginal barrel obsession she took home last night. So have fun with that one.
27. “81 percent of women do not want you to attempt anal sex without asking.” Here’s a little statistic for you: 100% of women do not want you to leave the toilet seat up after you pee. If you think 19% of women are okay with you attempting anal sex without asking, you should probably start researching disability insurance policies, STAT.
28. “Buy a half-inch camel-hair paintbrush at the art-supply store, dip it in chocolate sauce, and have her paint numbers on her body. Find your way in order by using your fingertips and mouth.” Be sure it’s made of camel-hair and exactly one half inch or it’ll never work.
31. “Pop your chap in a jar of Nutella, then present it to your lady. Be rewarded with a very enthusiastic blowjob.”
In the words of Dr. Seuss:
I don’t approve; that’s very wrong.
Do not put chocolate on your schlong.
I do not want that near my mouth.
Now wipe off your dick and get out of my house!
33. “Ask her to get a Brazilian. But it’s for her own good! Apparently with the mop removed, every sensation down there is heightened!” Unless you’re trying to get an infant to eat mashed up peas, you should probably never use the phrase “It’s for your own good.” In other news, if you tell me how to manage my pubic hair and/or refer to it as “the mop,” you will not be having sex with me. That’s kind of how this whole deal works.
34. “Girls like explicit texts, too. So next time you’re bored waiting in a queue for lunch, text her the rudest, naughtiest thing you can possibly think of and inform her of when exactly you plan to do it.” And while you’re at it, you might consider doing a little research on bail bondsmen. You’ll thank me later.